Are you serious with this crap?
Joe Buck just said "Let's hope the game can live up to what we just saw on the field." If what happens during the game is anything like what I just saw, I am turning it off and going to rent The Notebook. I will then watch it nine straight times while sticking sharp metal objects up my rear (which will be only done so I can stomach the worst movie of all time).
Let's See. Where do I start?
Seeing Wade Boggs in a Yankee cap standing next to Gay-Rod (homo juicer) just makes me want to puke. I hate you Wade. Go eat some chicken. 11 of your best 18 years (except for '92) were spent as a Sox until you took less money (after hitting .259 in '92) to sell your soul to to the devil. You were inducted into the Hall of Fame for what you did in Boston not NYC jagoff. You went in as a Red Sox, wear the right cap! ehhh. (FYI Dave Winfield and Gary Carter sported two hats... idiot!)
I just saw George Steinbrenner, one of the biggest assholes in professional sports history, get carted on to the field like he was some great baseball hero to throw out the first pitch (a fellow bluff diver confirmed that he greeted Reggie Jackson with a racial epithet btw). This whole thing is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham... to say the least.
Steinbrenner. WHATTT? The owner?? This owner? I thought this game was supposed to be about players, heroes, memories, etc. Complete bull shit.
Anyone remember in '99 when they carted Teddy Ballgame out to throw the first pitch at Fenway and everybody knew that it would be the last time the greatest hitter of all time (don't even try to argue that one!) would walk on to the true hallowed grounds of Fenway Park? I shed a tear that night. I just heaved my remote against the wall tonight. Leave it to the TRUE EVIL EMPIRE to fudge up the mid-summer classic (like Bud Selig already hasn't done that enough).
If anyone is keeping score at home... Ted Williams: .344 ba, .482 obp-wow, 521 hr, .634 slg, 525 2b, 1839 rbi, 2654 h, 709 career strikeouts (mind boggling for a power hitter at 1 so per every 3.33 games). Did I mention he missed 5 full seasons killing japs and koreans and keeping this country free? Did I mention he hit in one of the worst parks in major league history for pull hitting lefties? Did I mention he played the majority of his career after the color barrier had been broken and before the mound was lowered (1969)? Did I mention the "shift" was invented because of Ted Williams? Again, don't try to argue this one (that means you twinkie!). If he played at "Yankee Stadium" and stayed stateside during WWII and Korea he would have hit at least 800 home runs. Oh yeah, forgot to mention .406!
If anyone else is keeping score at home, YANKEE STADIUM WAS REBUILT ALMOST FROM SCRATCH IN 1974-75! This "renovation" cost $160 million, or about twice as much as what PNC Park cost to build in today's prices. It took two full seasons to "renovate" and the Yankees played in Shea. The Yankees are closing Yankee Stadium II to increase revenue streams that already are number one in the league by a wide margin. Greed chasing more greed. Would you please stop acting like this is some big deal? The stadium is 32 fricking years old. 32 fricking years old!!! Ridiculous. Just Ridiculous.
Anyone remember that the Indians wanted Xavier Nady for Cliff Lee? Wonder if they would take that deal now? That non-move may prove to be almost as bad as passing on Jason Christiansen for Andruw Jones, straight up, in Jones' rookie year. I just threw up in my mouth a little again.
They just showed a clip from 1956. Guess what, that game was played in a stadium that was torn down in 1974!
Why don't they show clips of the biggest CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY in 2004?
I can't believe we have five more years left on the Fox MLB contract. If I could pick a time period to go def for about five years, now would be that time.
This sucks. MicCarver Sucks (my new spelling). Buck Sucks. Fox Sucks. Yankees Suck. Jeter Sucks. O'Neil sucks. AROD swallows.
MicCarver just said Ichiro is "hands down" the best right fielder since Clemente. Hands Down Timmy? While Ichiro is sweet, I wonder what Reggie Jackson, Tony Gwynn, Dave Winfield, Dave Parker, Andre Dawson, Dwight Evans, Lary Walker, Rusty Staub (Le Grande Orange), MY BOY Harold Baines, and Joe Carter would have to say about that... asshole?
F' it. I am turning this off and going to watch the I am going to watch The Notebook.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Why Interleague Play Sucks and How BluffDivers Plans to Save Baseball!
- Interleague play is the brain child that Alan "Bud" Selig views as his crowing achievement. (Gee, I thought it would be juiced up freaks-brian giles-shooting monkey testosterone up each others butts post locker room shenanigan's for 10 years). It is hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to baseball (other than the Pirates red jerseys and having playgrounds at these new retro parks). Here's why interleague blows: It sort of ruined the world series and definitely ruined the all-star game, it is unfair to teams with and without "natural rivals," its screws up the schedule, it messes with pennant races, it puts American League pitchers in risk of being injured (you try swinging a bat and running the bases after not doing it for 4 months), and last but not least it makes deadline deal cross-league trades less sexy.
- Allow me to bitch a little. Remember 2003? The Aaron Boone game? The worst managed game in baseball history (thanks Grady Little). What people don't know is that game would have been played at Fenway Park had it not been for interleague. The Red Sox had the best record by 3 games over the Yankees against the AMERICAN LEAGUE. All that means was that they were the best team in their league, division, and probably baseball, and should have had home field advantage in the playoffs. They would have had the final say at the plate that game. Enter Bud Selig. Interleague play gave the Sox series against the stalwart Braves and gave the Yankees the "subway series" against the lowly Mets. Two questions remain: 1) How in the superbeing's name are the Braves the Red Sox natural rival? (eh hem they already have one of those Bud and the Braves stopped playing in baseball in Boston when Pops was in high school....a long time ago for those of you that don't know) and 2) When will this all end? The leagues should be separate! They should have separate presidents (Bud eliminated those too)! They already have separate rules, styles of play, ball parks, players, etc. Keep it that way.
- On a side note: Man do playgrounds at ball parks jack me off. I might have the worst case of ADHD ever diagnosed but when I was a kid I couldn't wait to just go to the ballpark and take in the sights and sounds of the greatest sport, game, activity, pastime, and social institution this world has ever known. If you want your kids to go to the playground take them to the fricking playground. Go to the ballpark if you want to teach your child our national treasure, and most importantly, provide him or her with memories that will last a lifetime.
That being said if I were commissioner of MLB heres how I save baseball:
1) Get rid of Interleague Play, immediately. Issue official apologies to everyone that had to suffer through Pirates vs Royals and to those fans whose teams got screwed by Interleague. Looks like I get two apologies, Bud!
2) Shorten the season to 154 games, then play the wild card series on what would have been the last week of the season. This will make the playoff races and regular season more intense and will allow the World Series to end before Christmas.
3) Play playoff day games. Even if maybe only on weekends (including Friday). For those of you that remember them, nothing beats 'em. If they are worried about losing advertising dollars they shouldn't. Imagine the good PR that a company would received if they said "Bluff Divers, bringing day baseball back to America because we love America and America loves day baseball! Game 3 up next from PNC PARK. Catch an all new Maury following the game!
4) Limit the number of bobblehead promotions to 3 per team and force the person whose likeness is being used to have appeared in at least one all-star game and/or have one post-season award and/or have lead the league in one positive category (Sorry Ronny Paulino, your record for hot dogs and nachos consumed during an innning break does not qualify).
5) Force people who buy tickets to bobblehead games either: a) prove they attend at least 10 non-bobblehead games within the last or current season or b) buy tickets to 5 tuesday night games and c) keep score of the game in progress. The same could be said about Fireworks nights.
6) Require all teams to release unsold seats one half hour prior to game time for $5 with a valid or quasi valid student id. Including seats in the club level and home plate area!
7) Get rid of all playgrounds and secondary mascots.
8) Allow select fans to tarp slide during rain delays (I have tarp slid on multiple occasions...its quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done and would be an awesome promotion).
9) BRING BACK BULL PEN CARTS!
10) TAKE TIM MCCARVER AND JOE BUCK AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!!! (please also slowly torture Greg Brown). Scratch that, please slowly torture those idiots too!
11) Require all teams to show either Field of Dreams, Natural, Bull Durham or "Enriquo Palaco" clips at all games.
- Allow me to bitch a little. Remember 2003? The Aaron Boone game? The worst managed game in baseball history (thanks Grady Little). What people don't know is that game would have been played at Fenway Park had it not been for interleague. The Red Sox had the best record by 3 games over the Yankees against the AMERICAN LEAGUE. All that means was that they were the best team in their league, division, and probably baseball, and should have had home field advantage in the playoffs. They would have had the final say at the plate that game. Enter Bud Selig. Interleague play gave the Sox series against the stalwart Braves and gave the Yankees the "subway series" against the lowly Mets. Two questions remain: 1) How in the superbeing's name are the Braves the Red Sox natural rival? (eh hem they already have one of those Bud and the Braves stopped playing in baseball in Boston when Pops was in high school....a long time ago for those of you that don't know) and 2) When will this all end? The leagues should be separate! They should have separate presidents (Bud eliminated those too)! They already have separate rules, styles of play, ball parks, players, etc. Keep it that way.
- On a side note: Man do playgrounds at ball parks jack me off. I might have the worst case of ADHD ever diagnosed but when I was a kid I couldn't wait to just go to the ballpark and take in the sights and sounds of the greatest sport, game, activity, pastime, and social institution this world has ever known. If you want your kids to go to the playground take them to the fricking playground. Go to the ballpark if you want to teach your child our national treasure, and most importantly, provide him or her with memories that will last a lifetime.
That being said if I were commissioner of MLB heres how I save baseball:
1) Get rid of Interleague Play, immediately. Issue official apologies to everyone that had to suffer through Pirates vs Royals and to those fans whose teams got screwed by Interleague. Looks like I get two apologies, Bud!
2) Shorten the season to 154 games, then play the wild card series on what would have been the last week of the season. This will make the playoff races and regular season more intense and will allow the World Series to end before Christmas.
3) Play playoff day games. Even if maybe only on weekends (including Friday). For those of you that remember them, nothing beats 'em. If they are worried about losing advertising dollars they shouldn't. Imagine the good PR that a company would received if they said "Bluff Divers, bringing day baseball back to America because we love America and America loves day baseball! Game 3 up next from PNC PARK. Catch an all new Maury following the game!
4) Limit the number of bobblehead promotions to 3 per team and force the person whose likeness is being used to have appeared in at least one all-star game and/or have one post-season award and/or have lead the league in one positive category (Sorry Ronny Paulino, your record for hot dogs and nachos consumed during an innning break does not qualify).
5) Force people who buy tickets to bobblehead games either: a) prove they attend at least 10 non-bobblehead games within the last or current season or b) buy tickets to 5 tuesday night games and c) keep score of the game in progress. The same could be said about Fireworks nights.
6) Require all teams to release unsold seats one half hour prior to game time for $5 with a valid or quasi valid student id. Including seats in the club level and home plate area!
7) Get rid of all playgrounds and secondary mascots.
8) Allow select fans to tarp slide during rain delays (I have tarp slid on multiple occasions...its quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done and would be an awesome promotion).
9) BRING BACK BULL PEN CARTS!
10) TAKE TIM MCCARVER AND JOE BUCK AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!!! (please also slowly torture Greg Brown). Scratch that, please slowly torture those idiots too!
11) Require all teams to show either Field of Dreams, Natural, Bull Durham or "Enriquo Palaco" clips at all games.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
It's been a long time since I left you...with a dope blog to step two.
A PLEDGE TO ALL BLUFF DIVERS....FROM HERE ON FORTH I PROMISE TO BLUFF DIVE AT LEAST ONCE PER WEEK UNTIL THE FALL RECRUITING PERIOD ENDS FOR HOOPS. I WILL THEN GO BLACK! TO BLUFF DIVING AT LEAST TRI-WEEKLY. THAT BEING SAID, A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF MY CONSPICUOUS WHEREABOUTS.....
Top Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging:
1) My Hippie Liberal Bull Shit Hand Me Down Macintosh Computer Sucks.
2) My mind has gone completely numb watching Pirate baseball
3) I am working like a Jamaican with tenteen jobs...booyaca, rasta rasta, falla me, de gyal dem suga
4) Did I mention I have a homosexual computer? FYI I am officially the only registered republican that has a macintosh in their possession
5) I have finally gone blind from spending way too much time with man's best friend....internet porn
6) I have been busy brushing up my game at local college bars...as many of you know this consists mainly of "lies and tequilla." If you were wondering, its like riding a bike. And, when at the pinnacle of its effectiveness, women between the ages of 18-21 cannot defend against it.
7) I have not yet recovered from Kojo Mensah and Shawn James signing agents....on a side note the pot on the bluff must be really good nowadays.
8) I have been doing stunt double work for Mario Lopez.
9) I have taken up jazzercise at the robinson senior center. I am also volunteering at planned parenthood (you can actually do both!)
10) Everytime I see Hillary Cee U Next Tuesday Clinton's chipmunk face on television I vomit for about ten days.....I also have to be restrained from bludgeoning my McGovern voting computer with a baseball bat on a daily basis....
Top Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging:
1) My Hippie Liberal Bull Shit Hand Me Down Macintosh Computer Sucks.
2) My mind has gone completely numb watching Pirate baseball
3) I am working like a Jamaican with tenteen jobs...booyaca, rasta rasta, falla me, de gyal dem suga
4) Did I mention I have a homosexual computer? FYI I am officially the only registered republican that has a macintosh in their possession
5) I have finally gone blind from spending way too much time with man's best friend....internet porn
6) I have been busy brushing up my game at local college bars...as many of you know this consists mainly of "lies and tequilla." If you were wondering, its like riding a bike. And, when at the pinnacle of its effectiveness, women between the ages of 18-21 cannot defend against it.
7) I have not yet recovered from Kojo Mensah and Shawn James signing agents....on a side note the pot on the bluff must be really good nowadays.
8) I have been doing stunt double work for Mario Lopez.
9) I have taken up jazzercise at the robinson senior center. I am also volunteering at planned parenthood (you can actually do both!)
10) Everytime I see Hillary Cee U Next Tuesday Clinton's chipmunk face on television I vomit for about ten days.....I also have to be restrained from bludgeoning my McGovern voting computer with a baseball bat on a daily basis....
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Its Vegas Time...Bluff Divers Style
I just had to shell out $1500 bucks for two root canals.
I just had to shell out $2000 to the federal government cause my last employer botched my taxes and because I pretty much spent my time as a beer rep, well to be honest, drunk, i didn't notice.
I just lost my current job. I was let go by someone who lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Most certainly a left wing conspiracy.
This series of events can only mean one thing...Its time to go on a trip to Vegas! What the hey, I did win my NCAA tourney poll! And while most usually write a journal during or after trips such as these, we at bluff divers know exactly what is going to happen over the next few days. My pre-emptive Day One Vegas journal:
Day One Thursday:
Woke up 7:00 AM. First double absolut and cran 7:02. First ativan 7:04. I then proceeded to the airport where I got "randomly selected" for a full security check. Why this happens every time I go to the airport is beyond me. My only comfort was that the man performing the full body cavity search looks kind of like the G. Gordon Liddy character from Fletch (Its all ball bearings nowadays). After me and Mr. Liddy's latex gloved finger got "friendly" I needed a smoke, but since I couldn't have one and don't smoke I settled for about 6 more double vodka crans and a couple more of ativan. Needless to say, I don't remember much about the flight. Vegas Baby! We'll be up five hundred by midnight!!!
Stpoped at the MGM Grand to lay a hundy on the Dukes to win it all next year. This has to pay out about $15o million. Of which I will donate $5o million to Duquesne to rename the palumbo center The Bluff Divers Dance Party Emporium and Basketball Bonanza Palace. Awesome! (Awesome! is part of the name). I will also ban Fr. Hogan from the newly remodeled digs unless he dawns a full clown costume at all times. I will also build a special suite that is really just a large room with a bar and a hot tub and toss out a special invite to the Dukes cheerleader with the short haircut (you know who Im talking about) that will be my future ex-wife.
Anyways, back to Vegas. I lost an additional $250 at the MGM before heading to my parents time share. I arrived at the time share to find out in order to stay there I have to pass out those porn papers on the street with a guy named simply "El Guapo." Much to my dismay this man was not Rich Garces, although he was quite handsome.
Hit up the pool around 3. There is a 75 year old woman sun bathing at the pool that deserves an honorable mention for the crotch turkey award. I actually think I see a crotch turkey through her two piece. Nice. I may have a chance with her 46 year old divorced daughter Mildred. I am HUGE with the over forty crowd...I am a stud!
Headed back to the casino around 5. Lose $250. Think laying that hundy on the Dukes might have been a bad play. Charge some chips to my credit card, this may not be a good move but why not? Lose $300.
I stole 452 sweet and lows (now drunk and broke) from the casino bar to compensate for the lost money. Think I got them good... I then got roughed up by security as the casino has now decieded to do "radom security checks" to prevent potential terrorist strikes. What the hell is it with these things? I am staying out of the fricking sun. I went to Catholic school my entire life for crying out loud! I might as well throw in the towel and just change my name to Achmed, grow a mustache, and drive around in a white van with no windows listening to Kolky Bulcek albums (bing bong bing bong bing ban)
11:00 PM Back at the condo. took a bubble bath. noticed my clothes were still on. not good, this might ruin my dress hawaiian shirt. not to fear I have brought multiple back ups.
12:00 AM Rebound. Have a martini while eating a tombstone pizza. Double nice. Pass Out.
Realize when I woke up Friday that this was going to be a long trip. Why I decided to stay untill Monday is beyond me. Oh yeah, my buddy's wedding...almost forgot...better get out my special wedding edition hawaiian shirt.
Just if you are wondering... 70000-1 odds on the Dukes. Just guessing of course
I just had to shell out $2000 to the federal government cause my last employer botched my taxes and because I pretty much spent my time as a beer rep, well to be honest, drunk, i didn't notice.
I just lost my current job. I was let go by someone who lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Most certainly a left wing conspiracy.
This series of events can only mean one thing...Its time to go on a trip to Vegas! What the hey, I did win my NCAA tourney poll! And while most usually write a journal during or after trips such as these, we at bluff divers know exactly what is going to happen over the next few days. My pre-emptive Day One Vegas journal:
Day One Thursday:
Woke up 7:00 AM. First double absolut and cran 7:02. First ativan 7:04. I then proceeded to the airport where I got "randomly selected" for a full security check. Why this happens every time I go to the airport is beyond me. My only comfort was that the man performing the full body cavity search looks kind of like the G. Gordon Liddy character from Fletch (Its all ball bearings nowadays). After me and Mr. Liddy's latex gloved finger got "friendly" I needed a smoke, but since I couldn't have one and don't smoke I settled for about 6 more double vodka crans and a couple more of ativan. Needless to say, I don't remember much about the flight. Vegas Baby! We'll be up five hundred by midnight!!!
Stpoped at the MGM Grand to lay a hundy on the Dukes to win it all next year. This has to pay out about $15o million. Of which I will donate $5o million to Duquesne to rename the palumbo center The Bluff Divers Dance Party Emporium and Basketball Bonanza Palace. Awesome! (Awesome! is part of the name). I will also ban Fr. Hogan from the newly remodeled digs unless he dawns a full clown costume at all times. I will also build a special suite that is really just a large room with a bar and a hot tub and toss out a special invite to the Dukes cheerleader with the short haircut (you know who Im talking about) that will be my future ex-wife.
Anyways, back to Vegas. I lost an additional $250 at the MGM before heading to my parents time share. I arrived at the time share to find out in order to stay there I have to pass out those porn papers on the street with a guy named simply "El Guapo." Much to my dismay this man was not Rich Garces, although he was quite handsome.
Hit up the pool around 3. There is a 75 year old woman sun bathing at the pool that deserves an honorable mention for the crotch turkey award. I actually think I see a crotch turkey through her two piece. Nice. I may have a chance with her 46 year old divorced daughter Mildred. I am HUGE with the over forty crowd...I am a stud!
Headed back to the casino around 5. Lose $250. Think laying that hundy on the Dukes might have been a bad play. Charge some chips to my credit card, this may not be a good move but why not? Lose $300.
I stole 452 sweet and lows (now drunk and broke) from the casino bar to compensate for the lost money. Think I got them good... I then got roughed up by security as the casino has now decieded to do "radom security checks" to prevent potential terrorist strikes. What the hell is it with these things? I am staying out of the fricking sun. I went to Catholic school my entire life for crying out loud! I might as well throw in the towel and just change my name to Achmed, grow a mustache, and drive around in a white van with no windows listening to Kolky Bulcek albums (bing bong bing bong bing ban)
11:00 PM Back at the condo. took a bubble bath. noticed my clothes were still on. not good, this might ruin my dress hawaiian shirt. not to fear I have brought multiple back ups.
12:00 AM Rebound. Have a martini while eating a tombstone pizza. Double nice. Pass Out.
Realize when I woke up Friday that this was going to be a long trip. Why I decided to stay untill Monday is beyond me. Oh yeah, my buddy's wedding...almost forgot...better get out my special wedding edition hawaiian shirt.
Just if you are wondering... 70000-1 odds on the Dukes. Just guessing of course
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Pittsburgh Sports Fans...Quite Possibly the Worst!
Sorry for the brief delay....but BLUFF DIVERS IS BACK IN FULL FORCE....
did this a week ago but oh well...
Sun, Beer, Bad Baseball, and Buds....Its got to be Bucco Opening day. With that being said, let me give our mulleted millvale brethren some answers to their concerns about me and how I roll at openers.
did this a week ago but oh well...
Sun, Beer, Bad Baseball, and Buds....Its got to be Bucco Opening day. With that being said, let me give our mulleted millvale brethren some answers to their concerns about me and how I roll at openers.
1) Yes I am wearing a Red Sox jersey. Yes they are the best team in baseball this decade. Go suck on a lemon losers.
2) Yes I am from Pittsburgh. I know you never passed geography class, or even no what geography is, but the last time I checked Greenfield was a suburb IN the city!
3) Yes I am an actual Red Sox FAN....pretty much since birth. Liked Marty Barret just as much as Dustin Pedroia! I am willing to bet that I know more about Red Sox baseball than you do about your beloved Stillers, Buccos, and Pens N' At combined. BTW you mustache sporting, cowher loving bandwagon idiots couldn't pack 3 rivers for baseball playoff games. With fans like that, who needs enemies?
4) No I don't like the Patriots. I don't like the Steelers or the NFL either butt munches. Its one step above studio wrestling. I am wearing a Dukes hat.
5) Yes I attend more Pirate games in a year than most will in their lifetime (I am not afraid to leave my neighborhood or town more than twice a year like most yinzers). I think this gives me a right to wear whatever the hell I want to the games. Also, if the Pirates ever get good, by the way the FREAKING DUQUESNE DUKES HAD A WINNING RECORD, you can all kiss my ass for not going to games other than on bobblehead nights or opening day. Or if Foghat is playing an hour set before the game. Or Styx. Or Charlie Daniels. Or the Clarks. Or the Country Clarks (aka Poverty Neck Hillibillies). Or Donnie Iris. Or Joe Grusheky.
Side Note: The words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Ever.
Side Note: The words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Ever.
6) I also am a Duquesne Dukes season ticket holder of 20 plus years. That should allow me to go to all sporting events wearing nothing but black tube socks and a smile if I want to.
Special Thanks to all those who started the "Lets Go Dukes" cheer in the outfield. 2008 baby! Tourney Time! Couple of Diaper Dandies coming in!
Special Thanks to all those who started the "Lets Go Dukes" cheer in the outfield. 2008 baby! Tourney Time! Couple of Diaper Dandies coming in!
7) The Red Sox DO NOT have the highest, second highest, or third highest payroll in baseball. After this year when they dump Schilling they may drop out of the top ten. They have signed players like David Ortiz and Cocoa Crisp for nothing and Pedroia, Papelbon, Youkilis, Buckholtz, Ellsbury, and Varitek (via trade) are all products of their minor league system or smart front office decisions. Pirate fans get this straight, YOUR ENTIRE ORGANIZATION SUCKS AND THEY DONT CARE ABOUT WINNING. You sign Pat Meares, Derrick Bell, KY (not the gel) long term, and develop studs such as JJ Davis and Tike "where is my rental car" Redman. Lick my balls.
8) You know NOTHING about baseball if you boo ARAM and call him a traitor. Please go directly home and put on your back up set of Zubaz immediately. BTW I have never really seen before or since a pre-emptive salary dump since ARAM. Unbelievable.
9) Did I mention that the words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. It made my skin crawl to write that again but I wanted to get my point across.
10) Learn how to handle you beer and heckle. Nothing is worse than a bad sports heckler. Nothing is worse than the "fans" in this fricking town.
10) Learn how to handle you beer and heckle. Nothing is worse than a bad sports heckler. Nothing is worse than the "fans" in this fricking town.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Voodoo Child...The REAL reason the Pirates stink!
Many people point to 1993 as the downful of the Pittsburgh Pirates. They look to the departure of Bonds, Bonilla, Smiley, Drabek, etc. as when this once proud franchise took the Hershey Highway straight into the pooper. Some may believe that the Buccos took their turn for the worse when they hired the worst broadcaster in professional sports, Greg Brown, in 1994. Others point to poor free agent signings, horrible marketing faux-pas, money mismanagement, a myriad of bad drafts, a putred minor league development system, and complete ignorance of latin based talent among other reasons this franchise stinks. True yinzers (and yinzers disguising themselves as local media members) like to blame MLB's financial inequities amidst small market teams. These idiots clearly have know idea what they are talking about...go stillers!.
None of these people are even close to being on point. The downfall of the Pittsburgh Pirates can be summed up in two words:
Vincente Palacios
Who? That's right, Vincente Diaz Palacios. Many of you might not know who this is. Many of you do. Born in Manlio Fabio Altamirano, Veracruz de Ignacio de la Llave, Mexico, Vincente Palacios made his Pirates debut as a 24 year old right handed relief pitcher in 1987. Not much was known about the young Mexican fireballer except 1 thing: he openly practiced Voodoo. That's right folks, he openly practiced Voodoo. Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curve ball? Palacios didn't think so. F%^k you Joboo...I do eet my self!
After limited but effective action in 87 and 88, he took a year off from baseball in 1989. Many think it was to sacrifice live "chickens" in his hometown somewhere deep in the Mexican country side. And if you think I mean small mexican children by the word "chickens," you're exactly right. Most believe he spent 1990 in the minor's (although there is no record of him pitching anywhere in the minors) with Bob "Round Tripper" Kipper and Ted "Magnum PI" Power holding down middle relief for the big league club. Let's be honest here, there was an equal shot of him pitching in the minors that year with him spending the year ingesting hallucinagenic plants in the Mayan ruins. I choose choice B.
This brings us to 1991: The Pirates were the best team in baseball, I was the most popular kid in the 6 grade, and Snap had a huge hit with "I Got the Power" (be honest, you just sang that song in your head!). Vincente Palacios was 6-3 that year with a 3.75 ERA and 64 strikouts in 82 innings of middle relief. Not exactly setting the world on fire, but solid enough to lead the Pirates bullpen in innings pitched, rank second in strikeouts and opponents batting average, make 7 spots starts, throw a complete game shutout in an emergency start against the Reds late in the year, and garner three saves (this was before the "hold" statistic was invented).
Then the Pirates management team struck a deal with the devil. Inexplicably, Vincente Palacios was left off the post-season roster for the likes of Bob Patterson, Rosario Rodriguez, and Roger Mason. A pre-NLCS interview with Palacios turned into an incoherant rant on local news outlets (I remember this vividly as a pre-teen). There were some small rumblings from the fans but not many people made much of it. No one back then made a bid deal about middle relief. I distinctly remember thinking that Palacios was going to put a voodoo hex on the Pirates that year and voiced these concerns to my 6th grade chums.
This curse will forever be known as:
THE CURSE OF VINCENTE PALACIOS!!!
The following year, and last year the Pirates had a winning season, Palacios again was left of the post-season roster. The curse was alive and growing. Sid Bream, Francisco Cabrera, and a heart wrenching ninth inning game seven loss would only be the commencement of the torment that Bucco fans would have to faced for the next 15 seasons.
You have every right to say I am out of my mind. But Palacios would virtually disappear from baseball following a year off in 93 (more sacrifices no doubt) and 94-95 with the Cards until....
None of these people are even close to being on point. The downfall of the Pittsburgh Pirates can be summed up in two words:
Vincente Palacios
Who? That's right, Vincente Diaz Palacios. Many of you might not know who this is. Many of you do. Born in Manlio Fabio Altamirano, Veracruz de Ignacio de la Llave, Mexico, Vincente Palacios made his Pirates debut as a 24 year old right handed relief pitcher in 1987. Not much was known about the young Mexican fireballer except 1 thing: he openly practiced Voodoo. That's right folks, he openly practiced Voodoo. Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curve ball? Palacios didn't think so. F%^k you Joboo...I do eet my self!
After limited but effective action in 87 and 88, he took a year off from baseball in 1989. Many think it was to sacrifice live "chickens" in his hometown somewhere deep in the Mexican country side. And if you think I mean small mexican children by the word "chickens," you're exactly right. Most believe he spent 1990 in the minor's (although there is no record of him pitching anywhere in the minors) with Bob "Round Tripper" Kipper and Ted "Magnum PI" Power holding down middle relief for the big league club. Let's be honest here, there was an equal shot of him pitching in the minors that year with him spending the year ingesting hallucinagenic plants in the Mayan ruins. I choose choice B.
This brings us to 1991: The Pirates were the best team in baseball, I was the most popular kid in the 6 grade, and Snap had a huge hit with "I Got the Power" (be honest, you just sang that song in your head!). Vincente Palacios was 6-3 that year with a 3.75 ERA and 64 strikouts in 82 innings of middle relief. Not exactly setting the world on fire, but solid enough to lead the Pirates bullpen in innings pitched, rank second in strikeouts and opponents batting average, make 7 spots starts, throw a complete game shutout in an emergency start against the Reds late in the year, and garner three saves (this was before the "hold" statistic was invented).
Then the Pirates management team struck a deal with the devil. Inexplicably, Vincente Palacios was left off the post-season roster for the likes of Bob Patterson, Rosario Rodriguez, and Roger Mason. A pre-NLCS interview with Palacios turned into an incoherant rant on local news outlets (I remember this vividly as a pre-teen). There were some small rumblings from the fans but not many people made much of it. No one back then made a bid deal about middle relief. I distinctly remember thinking that Palacios was going to put a voodoo hex on the Pirates that year and voiced these concerns to my 6th grade chums.
This curse will forever be known as:
THE CURSE OF VINCENTE PALACIOS!!!
The following year, and last year the Pirates had a winning season, Palacios again was left of the post-season roster. The curse was alive and growing. Sid Bream, Francisco Cabrera, and a heart wrenching ninth inning game seven loss would only be the commencement of the torment that Bucco fans would have to faced for the next 15 seasons.
You have every right to say I am out of my mind. But Palacios would virtually disappear from baseball following a year off in 93 (more sacrifices no doubt) and 94-95 with the Cards until....
Spring of 2000. Sophomore year in college: I never made mention of this curse, for fear of somewhow inflicting its Voodoo upon me. Since I already had to deal with Them almost everyday, there was no way I needed a Voodoo hex in my life.
A buddy of mine, known only as Rick Shaw, and I decided to take in a Wednesday night affair at Three Rivers against the Padres, oddly enough the only team with religious undertones in its name. It was Wednesday April 26th, 2000. I still have the score card. I wrote on the card, "Man is Jimmy Anderson Fat." We were sitting on the first base side keeping score and drinking beer. Good times. Great Friends. Good Oldies. We inevitably started talking about whats wrong with the Bucs. After arguing for a couple of innings, I broke every superstitious bone in my body and mentioned The Curse of Vincente Palacios. Rick said that I was completely out of my mind.
The bottom of the eigth rolls around. Last call we grabbed a couple of could ones, making plans for a trip to Kopy's because, hey, we were business majors. The pa announcer then gets on the mic, "Now pitching for the Padres, Vincente Palacios." It was his first appearance in the major leagues 5 years. He "retired" one week later.
You tell me who is fricking out of their mind?
The Curse Lives
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Classic "Other Guys" (Part 2)
In what will be come an ongoing Bluff Divers Series...Classic Other Guys (Part 2):
1) Larry Dallas (Richard Kline)- Greasy, sweaty, leisure suit Larry Dallas was the perfect "Other Guy" to light in the loafers but reluctantly hetero Jack Tripper in the classic 3 AM Nick at Night series, Threes Company. Always in a gold chain and always ready to swing, Larry Dallas would never pass up the chance to give Crissy a back rub! But I still would rather do Janet...She might be a classic "Other Girl!"
1) Larry Dallas (Richard Kline)- Greasy, sweaty, leisure suit Larry Dallas was the perfect "Other Guy" to light in the loafers but reluctantly hetero Jack Tripper in the classic 3 AM Nick at Night series, Threes Company. Always in a gold chain and always ready to swing, Larry Dallas would never pass up the chance to give Crissy a back rub! But I still would rather do Janet...She might be a classic "Other Girl!"
2) Daffy Duck- No other character in cartoons, movies, sports, real life, and telelvision do I identify more with than Daffy Duck. Talented, handsome, at times misunderstood. Loud, obnoxious, argumentative, volatile. Its almost scary how much this character is like me. He is constantly losing to a smug counterpart in Bugs and, to make a complete understatement, THEY love to get Daffy duck. He also gets bonus points for one of the best disgruntled scowls of all time!
3) Major Healy (Bill Daily)- He gets Other Guy legend status merely for getting to hang out with the hottest women every to walk the earth, the Jeannie (aka Barbara Eden). He was also rumored to be nailing her on the side which in my mind puts him into the realm of immortality. Unfortunately he was also rumored to be nailing Major Nelson which brings him down a noch, but not by much. I would bang Major Nelson to get 19 seconds with the Jeannie. By the way, Barbara Eden is like 1000 years old (ironically the same age as Jeannie) and I would still totally do her.
4) Jermaine Jackson- ahh...this could be my favorite Other Guy of all time. This guy was the "that guy" of other guys! The sad thing is Jermaine actually had a lot of talent...just not as much as his younger brother. He must have felt much like my older brothers did growing up, drastically inadequate. But lets give him props for his solid fro, "Let's Get Serious," "Daddy's Home," and for marrying Barry Gordy's daughter. He also managed to not become a complete freakazoid like Michael.
5) Paul from Cheers (Paul Wilson)- Many of you know Paul as one of the Bobs from Office Space. Needless to say I am a Michael Bolton fan! Nevertheless, Paul was one of the cronies at the Bull n' Finch (Cheers' real name) that I wish they would have developed more. He really only gets play in three episodes: 1) He dates a hot chick who is a "chubby chaser" which frustrates Sammy 2) He misses all the hijinx and feels left out by the gang 3) Comforts Rebecca before she leaves Robin Colcort on the altar ("did you talk to Paul"). All great stuff from an all time great Other Guy!
5) Paul from Cheers (Paul Wilson)- Many of you know Paul as one of the Bobs from Office Space. Needless to say I am a Michael Bolton fan! Nevertheless, Paul was one of the cronies at the Bull n' Finch (Cheers' real name) that I wish they would have developed more. He really only gets play in three episodes: 1) He dates a hot chick who is a "chubby chaser" which frustrates Sammy 2) He misses all the hijinx and feels left out by the gang 3) Comforts Rebecca before she leaves Robin Colcort on the altar ("did you talk to Paul"). All great stuff from an all time great Other Guy!
MORE TO COME FROM CLASSIC OTHER GUYS + CLASSIC OTHER GUYS IN SPORTS!
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1990 Dukes Highlight Video...Awesome!!!!! (I am on this one as a ball boy but its tough to see!)
This man IS NOT A BLUFF DIVER
